Straiteners in Bathrooms???

Ok, so this picture REALLY doesn't do the situation at hand justice; so I will do my best to explain. A couple months ago I went out to a bar called the Precinct in Richmond with some girls. We go into the bathroom (toilet) and I discover that for a small fee of $2, you can use a community flat iron to touch up your hair inbetween glasses of wine. It operates very similar to the vaccuum that is available at gas stations. You dump in your money and the machine comes to life. I think they should give you the option to pay an extra fifty cents to have it disinfected before its used.

I'll Take One of EVERYTHING!

This is a store that I passed in Fitzroy, Victoria. I'm pretty sure you can't get anything they sell in the States; so if anyone wants me to pick them up a few things, just let me know.

The Ped-Egg is a hit in Australia!!

How big of an asshole would you feel like if you paid $49.00 for the Ped-Egg? It looks like Australian retailers finally wised up and marked it down by…umm…80%. I guess someone tipped off Aussie consumers that $9.99 was the every day low price at most US drug stores.

It Never Ceases To Amaze Me....

I can only imagine how many very confused stoners they had visit this store. By the way - John Paul and I took advantage of their clearance pot and bought two indoor house plants for our living room.

Drugs Can Ruin Your LIFE!!!!

If you’re like me, you’ve always toyed with the idea of developing an illegal drug habit. Ok that’s a lie….but in the event that I was ever considering turning our 2nd bedroom into a meth lab; just show me the attached photos to snap me back to reality.

I’m learning fairly quickly that Australians are pretty visual people – and they don’t shy away from using scare tactics when developing their ad campaigns. (i.e. Workplace safety videos. Yikes!)

Sadly, it’s probably a necessary gesture to have these ads plastered all over the city given Aussie’s love affair with ‘house music’. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Melbourne has ‘rave parties’ on a regular basis where popular DJs from around the country are brought in to “mix some sweet beats.” It never fails that the day after an all-night swaray; the media has a field day reporting the number of near death experiences caused by seventeen year old kids ODing on GHB, ecstasy, and whatever else they can get their grubby little hands on.

What ever happened to hanging out at the movie theatre? I had a hard enough time convincing my mom to let me stay out until midnight in high school. I can only imagine her reaction if I asked her permission to go to an all night rave party.

I can hear it now…”Sure Brooke, don’t forget your glow sticks and here’s $50 bucks for the ‘good pills.’ You know if you eat that bunk ecstasy, your internal organs will burn from the inside out. Have fun! Love you!”

I may be completely off base; but I could have sworn that house music and glow sticks hit their prime in the very early years of the 21st century. In my personal opinion – the rave music genre was never intended to be sustainable and belongs in the “fad” archives. No one ever bought Paul Oakenfold’s CD and thought, “This is going to be a classic…I can’t wait for him to release a Greatest Hits album!”

For the record, I am not a complete novice when it comes to raves. In 1999 I was tricked into going to a club called ‘The Grove’ when I was a freshman at Florida State. Although I have filed this experience in my brain’s “recycle bin”; there are parts of the night that are permanently etched into my long term memory. First of all, it was eerily dark inside – except for when you got to the dance floor and there were numerous strobe lights burning into your retinas. At the time, I considered this to be a bonus considering I was planning on using my fake ID to order a stiff Midouri Sour. I figured the epileptic lights would make me look almost identical to the Asian woman that was on my pilfered Florida drivers license. Second of all, I remember thinking that the glow stick / dance routine combo performed by the whacked out ravers looked similar to how I would react after walking into a live hornets nest in the dark. Regardless of the free entertainment; my amusement for the rave scene faded in about 30 minutes and I made the personal decision to stick to rap music and binge drinking.

What can I say…..I think the results speak for themselves. I can drink a bottle of wine and listen to Outkast without worrying about ending up in the ED. Maybe these Aussie Adolescents should take a hint from their wise, American role model.

This is the shit I put up with at work

I guess this is what I get for calling on retirement homes. I have actually seen (several versions of)this poster hanging in numerous bathrooms across Victoria and thought it was absolutely hilarious to deem it necessary to have an instruction manual to poop.

I decided that I needed to document this and actually started bringing my phone into appointments for the sole purpose of checking their bathroom for the poster seen above.

Unfortunately, I now have nightmares about senior citizens going through a mental checklist every time they need to do their business.

By the way...who the hell names a town, Dookie?

What Recession? This Business is BOOMIN!

Fifi Whaaaa?

How would you like your morning news to be delivered by this lady? She is obviously relatively attractive - but what I find most amusing is that her name is Fifi Box. Yes, her first name is Fifi....and her last name is in fact, Box. I'm just wondering if anyone really pays attention with what is going on with traffic - because all I can think about is her on a stripper pole. It makes sense for someone persuing a career in the media to have a catchy name - but this isn't the direction I would personally recommend. However, I am living in a country where they use the terms:

"IN THE BUSH", "TAKING THE PISS", & "HANGING THE SHIT" are perfectly acceptable.

When in Rome...

Ummm.....

You Stay Classy, Melbourne

This is a copy of a Billboard that is right outside of our service center for work.

Airport Fun

If you like people watching – or if your just easily amused; the airport is an ideal hang out. During my most recent trip from Melbourne to Sydney, I was in the security line behind a grown man that had on loafers, cut off jean shorts (a no-no for men of all ages), and a floral button down. To top it all off he had ½ a head of mangy hair that had grown past his shoulders, but started at the crown of his shiny dome. I am not very discrete, so I tried to take a quick picture on my phone. It turned out really blurry, but maybe you can still get the idea. I am still brainstorming over the best way to get a close up of any picture-worthy travellers without blatantly letting them know that I am making fun of them. Let me know if you have any ideas.
In addition to people within the airport, I’ve started paying more attention to my fellow passengers on the plane - usually because the person(s) of interest are sitting right next to me and I don’t have a choice. I am admittedly an un-social flyer. I always come equipped with reading material and my iPod fully charged. Although these necessities are partially due to my inability to sit and do nothing; their primary purpose is to eliminate the temptation for my neighbour to strike up a conversation. If you can’t nip it in the bud after the first friendly head-nod; you are setting yourself up for a full flight commitment of small talk. No thanks.
According to my most recent statistics; your chances for spotting a total freak-show nearly triple when flying from LA to the East Coast; or vice-versa. It’s no secret that Los Angeles is a hub for crazies and considering the planes are always huge and typically at full capacity, it’s not unlikely to see someone who looks like they’ve come strait from the loony bin, a 5 day bender, a sex change, or one of Octo Mom’s 14 children.
With that in mind, here is a recap from my most recent trip to the US: Since I booked my flight at the last minute, I really couldn’t be too particular about my seating arrangements. I had made it through the 15 hour leg from Australia to LA and was getting ready to embark on the 4 ½ hour leg to the East Coast. When I boarded the plane I celebrated a small victory when I discovered that I had scored an exit row. Things were looking up until I noticed two burly women side-stepping down the aisle and headed in my direction. This is when I silently start chanting “Keep walking! Keep walking!” No such luck; they both squeezed into their seats to my left. It took about 10 seconds for me to confirm that these ladies were more than “just friends.” I really am not concerned with other people’s sexual preferences – but I don’t want to be categorized as a lesbian either. I gave myself a quick “once-over” and made the sad realization that I looked kind of butch. I admit, my ‘flying uniform’ could probably be described as ‘welfare chic’…but when you are stuck on a plane for 25 hours, you aren’t too concerned with winning the Best Dressed superlative. I just didn’t want anyone thinking that I was WITH them….you know….WITH them. The good news is that if anyone did get that impression, I was clearly the third wheel and the dynamic duo sitting to my left seemed to not even notice my existence. By the time I got back from the bathroom they had their tray tables out sharing a full sized bag of BBQ potato chips, a gallon sized ziplock bag full of what appeared to be Halloween candy, and washing it down with 20oz bottles of Coke. Talk about a balanced meal! Apparently all of the saturated fat they ingested made them sleepy because shortly after their feast; the love birds curled up under one blanket and passed out. About five minutes later the larger one started to saw logs like a man. Thank goodness for my iPod…I only had 3 ½ more hours to go.

Good News! I've Found A Dentist!

Better News! I've Found A Hair Salon!

I Don't Know What This Store Sells...

BUT I WANT IT!

Maybe it's because I imagine people have said those exact words when I've walked through a doorway.

Aussie TV

Since arriving in Australia, John Paul and I challenged ourselves to go “cable-free” for a few months to see if we were happy without it. Like everything else in AU, the installation costs were astronomical and they wanted to lock you into a 24 month contract. For the most part we’ve been fine with the fifteen or so ‘free to view’ channels. Typically ‘the cricket’ or ‘footy’ is on at least 3 channels, while the same show will be playing on 2 or 3 channels in a row. I know this might sound terrible, but you really do get use to it. We still get the good shows that come on during the weeknights….Grey’s Anatomy, CSI, Desperate Housewives, etc. There are a fair amount of Australian shows and at times, they will take you by surprise. There are no regulations on showing full nudity or saying the “F” word (No, Mom, I don’t mean fart). The only problem that I have with Australian sitcoms is that they are an absolute trainwreck. “Home and Away” and “Neighbours” are the two shows that are well known and have been on the air forever. To sum it up - the acting chops of the get-along gang they have working on these shows is comparable to my performance as Abe Lincoln in my 2nd grade school play. The only show that is worth noting is Underbelly (which is based loosely on real life events of Australian gangs in the 80’s). The only other time that I look forward to Australian based TV is on the weekend. Every Saturday morning John Paul and I will wake up, make coffee and watch Australian music videos. This topic really deserves its own blog entry – so I’m just going to stop here. Check out the talent from down under on my next post.

Some Eye Candy from Saturday Morning Music Television

Can you seriously look at this ass clown and keep a strait face? This trend-setta goes by the name Sam Sparro and is H-O-T-T HOT on the Australian music scene. One of the things I like most about Sam (besides his musical talent) is that he is extremely well rounded. This is evident through the pictures shown here. Example #1: By sporting an Aztec print baseball cap, he is showing a respect for other ethnic backgrounds. In addition, the volleyball scarf and ski jacket display his dedication to staying physically fit. Example #2: Sam's future is so bright, he's gotta wear STUNNA SHADES. There really aren't too many positives I can pull from this picture. The only WILD thing I see in this blatant display of gayness is his creepy pedifile mustache.

If you're like me and can't get enough of Sam...check out his latest music video - clearly money was no object when putting together this audio/visual masterpiece!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyU50Hp7PW8

Sadly, this is NOT a joke.

Aussies Don't Beat Around the Bush

Viewers beware! Australia does NOT sugarcoat the message when it comes consumer awareness advertisements. Check out a few of these websites to see what I mean.

Think riding motorcycles without protective clothing is cool? You won't after you watch this commercial that is broadcast 7 days a week. This is one of the LESS graphic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mz8d7hUIPY

These are some of the grossest commercials I've seen. Period. Nothing like showing someone getting pegged in the eye with a nail gun to make you want to get safety goggles permanently glued to your face.

http://www.worksafe.vic.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/WorkSafe/SiteTools/About+WorkSafe/Campaigns/?pagedesign=WS_TV_youngworkers

Guess what? Australia is located right underneath the hole in the O-Zone layer. You know what that means....a great tan, right? Wrong! Watch this commercial and you'll never leave home without a full body unitard that blocks out UV-A & UV-B rays. I seriously have had nightmares about this creepy talking sun spot. Actually, I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQTOo9yAcho

Eating and Drinking in Melbourne

One of the things that I noticed right away since being in Melbourne is there isn't a shortage on restaurants. Most of them are small and non-chains (which I love)...and a lot of them have outdoor seating. Within a few blocks of our apartment there is every kind of food you could imagine and great pubs/bars. There are also tons of cafes and bakeries and chocolate shops - regardless of how delicious these look; I am going to try and keep my visits here to a minimum (starting next week)! Ha! Regardless of when you are eating, most of the 'specials' include a glass of wine. WHAT A DEAL! John Paul and I are usually red wine drinkers, but since being here we've had some really great white wines from Australia and New Zealand. I really love the character of the local eateries and it would be easy for us to be here for 2 years and never eat at the same place twice.

The few chains that we are familiar with are:

McDonalds (where they have small packets of VEGEMITE -vomit - but have a Mc Cafe with actual sandwiches, muffins, etc.), Burger King (but it goes as Hungry Jack), Subway, and TGI Fridays. Oh, just as a funny FYI - the commercials for these chains always show their chicken fillet sandwiches, but they pronounce filleT with the 'T' on the end.

Unfortunately we quickly made the realisation that they do not have 'drip coffee' here. Actually I tried to order it and the girl behind the counter looked at me like I asked her for a shot of moonshine. The good news is that you will never be considered high maintenance if you order some crazy latte. The bad news is that in the office, all they have is Instant Coffee....which I put in the same taste category as Vegemite. When we found a Starbucks in downtown Melbourne, John Paul was practically dancing in line waiting to get the Christmas blend!

Typically, it seems like most Australians drink beer or wine - I've hardly seen anyone drinking liquor (or spirits as they call it). They also don't have nearly the problem with binge drinking - go figure. The few times that we have ordered Vodka martinis the bartenders CLEARLY seem out of their element. We had to ask for olives every time....and when we did....they gave us ONE. They acted like we were greedy bastards when we asked for more.

Last weekend we went to a BBQ at one of JP's co-workers houses. We stopped in a drive through to pick up some beer to bring. OVER $30 for two 6-packs!!!! It's nuts!!! I'm not certain what this is with the currency conversion; but you are still looking at over $10 American dollers per six pack. Yikes! Looks like we may be sticking to wine. They even have a rule where you can bring your own bottle into a restaurant. Salut!

Speaking of wine...we are going to a winery this weekend. We will hopefully be stocking up on some delicious Vino. I am thinking of boycotting the beer drinking and sticking to wine since the brewing companys obviously do not have a problem with gouging their customers.

By the way....has anyone booked their flight yet? Also, be sure to join SKYPE!!!