My Birthday Present!

Check out my new ride! It is a super pimp Old Skool Schwinn called "coffee". They also have a version called "cream" and I suggested that John Paul could get that one so we could be "Coffee & Cream." Apparently that is "really gay." Regardless, I LOOOOOOVE my new bike and was so happy to find a cruiser with a few speeds so I can TRY to keep up with John Paul. I bought a basket for the back for when we go to the market and a sweet purple helmet. Of course when I was picking out the helmet, I warned the sales associate that I had an enormous dome. At first, he tried to be polite and was like, "oh no...I'm sure you don't." (Picture John Paul shaking his head vigorously during this.) When he finished 'fitting' my head, he was like "Wow, it is big!" I felt like saying, "Well I told you, dip shit"...but I just smiled as he went to the backroom to pull my helmet from the "FREAKISHLY BIG HEAD" section.

You've got to watch this video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0SchmcLXMQ

Ummm.....

You Stay Classy, Melbourne

This is a copy of a Billboard that is right outside of our service center for work.

"Get Loose With The Goose"

This has been known to happen after too many dirty martinis...

or as T.I. once said, "NO GREY GOOSE IF YOU DON'T GET LOOSE!"

Getting Cultural

Since moving to Melbourne, John Paul and I have become increasingly interested in the arts. That’s a pretty extreme exaggeration, but you wouldn’t have known it last weekend. On Saturday, Melbourne had the “Art Melbourne” exhibit where different galleries and artists from all over the country could come and sell their work. I found a deal online where I could get two tickets for the price of one – so I forked out $20 bucks for an afternoon of entertainment. What the hell. In all seriousness, we both enjoy and appreciate unique artwork, but aren’t really in the market to drop $7,000 on a sculpture made from driftwood. This apparently was not obvious to the gallery owners because on numerous occasions they approached us to initiate conversation and gauge our interest in various pieces. I probably should have made a PSA before entering the building that stated, “We wouldn’t be here if I didn’t get a BOGO deal so don’t waste your time. Thank you in advance.” One gallery manager even made a point to introduce us to the artist himself – which resulted in a 20 minute explanation of his vision when creating each piece. To give the guy credit, it was really cool to hear how it was created. Up until that moment, it looked to me like he had gotten shit-faced and stumbled upon some finger paint. As we were walking to the next exhibit, John Paul looks at me and said, “Wow, it seems like that guy is really in touch with his artwork; too bad he isn’t in touch with his personal appearance.” I about lost it. This guy did look like a Grade-A Paedophile. His attempt at wearing a trendy / vintage suit really wasn’t working in his favour. However, the icing on the cake was his super creepy moustache. I couldn’t figure out exactly what statement he was trying to make with his random patch of facial hair. To give you more of a visual – he kept the top 50% of the ‘stache (closest to his nose) very short…the lower half he allowed to grow much longer. It was a very interesting look; one that I would not recommend anyone to try. Ever. On Sunday, I got us tickets to Cirque Du Soleil Dralion. I have wanted to see a Cirque Du Soleil show for years and John Paul weaselled his way out of going when we were in Vegas last year. In all honesty; I can see where guys may be a little hesitant committing to these types of performances. All they show in the advertisements and commercials are a bunch of men swinging from ribbons and wearing leotards. Although John Paul needed a little reassurance that this would be very different from Wicked (the musical), he was a great sport. When we arrived at the ‘circus tent’; they require you to walk through the Dralion store so that you can be ‘tempted’ by all of the ridiculous souvenirs. It is absolutely mind boggling to see the barrage of people going nuts over this random paraphernalia. To a certain extend, I understand. I was a kid once – and I distinctly remember pitching a fit over wanting a stuffed dolphin from Sea World or begging for the Micky Mouse flashlight at Disney on Ice. That’s what kids do. What DOES concern me are the people who pay $150 for a Dralion windbreaker to commemorate their experience for years to come. If I see ANY of my friends (male or female) wearing an article of clothing with prepubescent Asian girls in spandex printed on it; we are going to have a serious talk. Do you know what I think is an appropriate souvenir? How about your ticket stub? If you want to get really crazy – buy a program. To get back on track, the show was absolutely amazing and I am seriously in awe of what these people can do. It physically, mathematically, and logically does not make sense. Or as John Paul put it during one of the performances, “These bitches are about to get crazy.” I think that it is safe to say that John Paul will be a little more enthusiastic about the next show that we go to. If you have to opportunity to see Dralion, I would highly recommend it!

The Snuggie is a SCAM!!!

Speaking of Snuggies….I was very excited when I found the official “Snuggie” for $15 bucks at Walgreens and could not wait to surprise John Paul when I got back to Australia. This is one of those “As Seen On TV” products that John Paul and I go nuts over because it is so ridiculous. They market it as “The blanket with sleeves!”……or……….if you aren’t a complete moron…..you can translate that into “A robe worn backwards!” I had to make it as obnoxious as possible, so I dropped it off at the embroidery kiosk at Hanes Mall and let them work their magic. If you can’t tell, that is a teddy bear playing a guitar on the front. However, I really can’t take credit for this idea. Our friend, Ben, purchased a Snuggie as a Valentines Day gift for his girlfriend and said that it was a HUGE hit. I just had to jump on the bandwagon. Although there is no visual documentation, I can assure you that John Paul is really enjoying his Snuggie and uses the free book light every night, too.

https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next

Easter in Oz

With Easter as our first ‘real’ holiday in Australia, John Paul and I were looking forward to a long weekend and creating our own little celebration. To give you the highlights…
Good Friday kicked off our mini vacation and we set out on the town to have a “Melbourne Day.” We were going to hit up some of the museums and other touristy spots that were still on our to-do list. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far because EVERYTHING was closed. Not just the museums – everything. In fact, Good Friday turned up to be the only holiday – other than Christmas – that most businesses close. So random. Luckily, the Blockbuster was open, so we got Season 2 of Arrested Development, opened a couple…well maybe a few bottles of wine…and had a Great Friday. (On a side note – if you have not seen Arrested Development; do yourself a favour and rent a season. Awesome.)
So onto Easter…we got up and I was surprised to see that the Easter Bunny had travelled all the way to Australia. Apparently, he was feeling very spiritual this year and gave me a very nice Easter card – complete with a ‘pop up’ Jesus on the front. He also gave me several very nice gifts including t-shirts with some very poignant messages. Please see the attached pictures.
John Paul must have not been very good because all the Easter Bunny brought him was a Snuggie with a free book light.

Charlotte Fat Camp

As I was looking through the pictures from my trip back to the US; I became distinctly aware that my entire visit was centered around eating. In fact, at least 50% of the pictures taken were of me and my friends at restaurants. Here’s me and (________) eating breakfast at my FAVORITE bagel joint. Here’s me and (________) eating at my FAVORITE café for lunch. Here’s me and (________) having martinis and sushi at my FAVORITE trendy hot spot in Charlotte. This went on for an entire week! The most embarrassing part is that if I was driving somewhere on my own during a “feeding time”; I embraced the opportunity to eat some of my FAVORITE fast food. This is starting to sound like someone’s audition tape for The Biggest Loser. GROSS!! If I was in between meals; I would find an excuse to go to a Starbucks and get the biggest drink they offered. During my entire visit; I never got anything smaller than a Venti drip or a Venti iced coffee (these are NOT available in Oz).
I use to think it was so asinine that my friend Liz would come home from Chicago and insist on going to Chick-Fil-A and Bojangles. I would bitch non stop about how lard was the main ingredient in ½ of their menu items and was sure that no one over the age of six still ate stupid Bo-Berry Biscuits. Well, lightning strike me now because I am guilty of the same crime. Seriously though, the whole concept is pretty ridiculous. Its not like I’m going to come home in two years to find that Chick-Fil-A’s have evaporated from planet Earth. Furthermore, is not like I’ve been surviving off of insects and plant roots in the Outback for the past three months. Is it really necessary to take a Culinary Tour of Charlotte with the same enthusiasm that Octo-Mom has for IVF??? Bad analogy….
I’m going to the gym.

Aussie Ladette to Lady

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z30YOGTmcjs

Here's a clip of my favorite reality show, Ladette to Lady. These girls are serious trainwrecks - but everyone knows that's a required ingredient for any reality show. Truthfully, I watch it more to see the Head Mistresses, Jill and Rosemaaaary (cue Aussie accent), go absolutely ballastic on each and every individual hot mess on the show. Although the network is smart enough not to show Jill's grill on the print ads - homegirl is in SERIOUS need of some braces...and Rosemary....well she's just terrifying.

Extreme Skyping

Since arriving in Australia, one of the biggest challenges has been keeping in touch with my friends and family. Not only is the time difference significant; it’s pretty expensive to call in to or out of Australia directly using your cell or land line phone. With that being said – Skype has been my saving grace though the whole process. I have hounded most of my friends tirelessly to download this free service since we moved in January. …and a few I’ve even guilted into purchasing webcams. Nowadays, it’s pretty normal to have creepy online “Skype dates”. Since much of my day is spent on the road driving to appointments; one can imagine how this could potentially affect my ‘Skyping Schedule.” To remedy this, I’ve been getting some mileage out of my wireless internet stick so I can keep my laptop on and Skype loaded while I’m driving. The whole concept is pretty similar to using a blue tooth…only with no phone and no ear piece. Maybe it’s more like just having your friends talk through a loud speaker…I like to think about it as ultimate multi-tasking. I can keep up with my friends and family – all while going to and from my appointments. The greater advantage is really for the person that I’m talking to. They ‘sit’ in my passenger seat, so they get to see me AND some Australian landscape all at the same time. What a deal! Let me know if you are up for scheduling an Extreme Skype date and I’ll pencil you in!

"Sussing Out" our Stuff

The day John Paul and I have been waiting for has finally arrived – the movers showed up on Wednesday, March 4th with the container full of our most prized possessions from home. We would finally have proper plates to eat off of…and more than 2 pairs of pants to wear to work. What more could we ask for??? As anticipated, the moment I got off of work, I went into high gear getting everything unpacked and put away. Unpacking is a chore that I secretly love to do – my way – and before our stuff even arrived, it was understood that I would do the majority of the ‘putting away’. As you can imagine, John Paul didn’t put up much of a struggle and was happy to play his guitar for entertainment while I organized. Not a bad deal. But I also know that if John Paul helped put things away I would be finding duct tape and screwdrivers in the bathroom drawer (this actually happened by the way) and potato chips in the laundry room. Now, I will stick up for John Paul and state that he is really a pretty clean guy – but somewhere in the male anatomy there is a piece of DNA that does not distinguish the difference between ‘cleaning up’ and putting something out of sight. This characteristic, in turn, makes me go crazy looking for things because there is a greater chance of the item being somewhere completely random vs. where it would actually make sense. My dad proved this theory correct when I opened up the kitchen cupboard and found his toothbrush and toothpaste sitting alongside the glasses. When I questioned him about it – he explained that sometimes he wanted to brush his teeth after he ate toast. Well, DUH, what was I thinking?
So as we were chipping away at the boxes – we asked ourselves over and over – “Why the hell did we think that we needed this?” After living with so little for three months, it seemed ridiculous to think that we needed so much. Before packing up our home in Huntersville, we spent days “streamlining” our clothes and household items. The funny (and/or scary) part is that 40% of our possessions are still in a storage unit in the US.
The advantage to being the one who did most of the unpacking (and also being the one who posts all the blog entries) is that I can comment on some of the silly things that John Paul thought necessary to tote ½ way around the world.
1. His trusty bartenders file box full of index cards with drink recipes on them (circa 2000). He swears that he’s referenced some of the recipes in the past 9 years – but I don’t think grabbing an index card for a scrap piece of paper really counts.
2. FIFTEEN PAIRS OF JEANS. There are only 2 kinds of people that feel the need to have 15 pairs of jeans: Gay men and females. Period. Just kidding, boo….or am I???
3. An arsenal of sports equipment. John Pauls list: A bike, bike rack, 2 tennis rackets, 2 racquetball rackets, 2 baseball bats, cleats, 2 baseball gloves, 2 frisbees, golf clubs, golf balls, corn hole bean bags, 2 footballs, basketball. Brooke’s list: 2 tennis rackets, a can of tennis balls, & a soccer ball. Too bad John Paul didn't pack his parachute and fold up monkey bars - then he could have negotiated recess to be included in his work day.

To take a LITTLE responsibility for myself – I did insist on taking an obnoxious number of bath towels and sheets. I also insisted on bringing tons of serving bowls and platters for ‘entertaining.’ Seriously, Brooke…..who are you expecting to have over? The property manager for our housing complex? The prime minister?

All jokes aside - our place is all set up and looks great. Even with our crammed closets, I am so thankful to have the thing we love to make it feel more like home. Now we just need some visitors!! :)

I love my CRYSTAL!

Is it weird that I got choked up over Crystal Light? Yes, this is a pathetic – but true – story. One of my best friends from home, Stephanie, knows my addition to this delicious beverage and actually shipped a few containers to me in the mail. Those of you that have been to my home may have noticed that I like to keep a 52 week shelf supply of Crystal Light packets at all times. I am not kidding. When Harris Teeter had “buy one get one free” VIC buys – I would literally take a tour of all the local Teeters and clear their stock. If you can envision the manic ‘shop til you drop’ contestant that clears a shelf with one swoop – that is exactly what I look like when CL is BOGO. I am so excited to be able to make my favourite drink that I’ve missed so much over the past few months, but now I ration out servings like a complete Nazi. No more drinking glasses filled with watered down raspberry lemonade in this house!!! So now that I think we are all clear on how neurotic I truly am; I do have a few theories on what exactly initiated the tears:
1) It may have been the fact that she got some of my favourite flavors (which is pretty easy since I love any kind they have available EXCEPT for Peach Iced Tea).
2) The fact that Steph spent more on shipping it to me than what the Crystal Light itself cost.
3) INERTIA!
4) I think it was probably because I miss one of my best friends. Thanks again, Snizzle!

An Article TOTALLY Unrelated to Australia

John Paul regularly reads articles from ESPN on his phone when he is bored or waiting on me (which also happens regularly). For Valentines Day, he bought us tickets to Wicked, the broadway musical I've wanted to see since we visited Melbourne in November. So during the intermission, John Paul pulls out his phone and started reading an article to me out loud. Before long, both of us had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. I guess because it seems so applicable to all of our lives. I'll let you all read it, but the part that really got me was how he and his friends compete for the "most extreme status update." It really challenges you to get a little more creative than, "Brooke is flossing her teeth. Yeah for dental hygiene!"

Here is the question that prompted the ESPN reporters response:
Can you think of the sports equivalent of the spouses of buddies whose Facebook friend-request you accepted who constantly update their status on the topic of taking care of their kids? Like "Jenn is watching her little ones nap" and "Sarah is playing 'Bob the Builder' with her kids! Yay!" As a 28-year-old unmarried man, it's not that I don't appreciate females or motherhood, it's just that I don't care. For the same reason that I don't update my status with "Kully just put on jock itch cream."
-- Kully, Guangzhou, China

Here is his response:
SG: Wouldn't the sports equivalent be like ending up with an undesirable throw-in for an NBA trade (aka Marcus Banks)? The more interesting angle for me is how Twitter and Facebook reflect where our writing is going thanks to the Internet. In 15 years, writing went from "reflecting on what happened and putting together some coherent thoughts" to "reflecting on what happened as quickly as possible" to "reflecting on what's happening as it's happening" to "here are my half-baked thoughts about absolutely anything and I'm not even going to attempt to entertain you," or as I like to call it, Twitter/Facebook Syndrome. Do my friends REALLY CARE if I send out an update, "Bill is flying on an airplane finishing a mailbag right now?" (Which is true, by the way.) I just don't think they would. I certainly wouldn't. That's why I refuse to use Twitter.
As for Facebook, I don't mind getting status updates and snapshots of what my friends' lives are like -- even if "Bob the Builder" is prominently involved -- as long as they aren't posting 10 times a day or writing something uncomfortable about their spouse/boyfriend like "(Girl's name) is … trying to remember the last time she looked at her husband without wanting to punch him in the face" or "(Girl's name) is … just going to keep eating, it's not like I have sex anymore." Keep me out of your personal business, please. Other than that, the comedy of status updates can be off the charts. Like my college classmate who sends out status updates so overwhelmingly mundane and weird that my buddies and I forward them to each other, then add fake responses like, "(Guy's name) … snapped and killed a drifter tonight" and "(Guy's name) … would hang myself if the ceilings in my apartment weren't too short." It kills us. We can't get enough of it. We have been doing it for four solid months. And really, that's what Facebook is all about -- looking at photos of your friend's kids or any reunion or party, making fun of people you never liked and searching for old hook-ups and deciding whether you regret the hook-up or not. That's really it. All in all, I like Facebook.

Meet CHUY!!!!

Here he is…my new VW Polo! Since it does look like a little nugget, I thought it was fitting to name him after my favourite midget, Chuy, from Chelsea Lately. Most of you know that I think Chelsea Handler is one of the funniest people on the planet and I watch her show religiously. In fact, I’ve also read both of her books – “Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and “My Horizontal Life.” I highly recommend both books. They are hysterical and are guaranteed to make you feel less guilty about anything stupid you’ve done in the past. Do I sound like a crazy/stalker fan yet? Although I’m not one of those people who are obsessed with midgets (Ahem, Stephanie Hicks), I am particularly fond of Chuy and am proud to name my new car after him! I hope you all come to Oz so I can take you for a ride in the silver nugget!

For the record – Stephanie, you will not be able to pick this nugget up to help him put his money in the drink machine. :)

XYZ!

A gold star goes to who ever finds the picture posted on my blog where somebody's fly is down!

To All The Cars I've Ever Loved Before

So I finally broke down and bought a car. Initially when I found out that I would be issued a car allowance vs. a fleet vehicle - I was ecstatic. At 27 years old, I can honestly say I’ve never bought a car and really have never had a choice in what I wanted to drive. Don't get me wrong, I was fortunate enough to have a car given to me all through high school & college. When I graduated and joined Newell, I had a slew of company cars over the years that involved varying levels of embarrassment. With that being said, I’ll give you a synopsis of my top 4 company cars to date…

#1: My very first company car was the “Rubbermaid” trailblazer. I loved it - logos and all. Claim to Fame: My friend (and co-worker) Brett and I were both living in Charleston, SC and were 'serenaded' by some Chuck-town delinquents when at a stoplight in downtown. They started singing, "Rubber-band Man wild as the Taliban!" I am a huge T.I. fan, so I found this extremely amusing.

#2: After I took on a new role within a different division, I was also “promoted” to a Chevy Impala – or more commonly known as the Gray Squirrel. This car would have fit in perfectly had I worked the Early Bird special shift at K&W Cafeteria. I’ve seen a lot of nice Impalas in my day, this just happened to not be one of them. The exterior was this dingy gray color and the ‘velour-ish’ interior matched perfectly. The front seat had a center console that could be flipped up so that you could comfortably roll 3 deep…or keep your thermos full of Metamucil close at hand. To make matters worse, it was on its last leg and the speedometer didn’t work. This (of course) was a green light for me to haul ass everywhere; certain that I could get out of a speeding violation if I made the officer aware of the faulty equipment. Ha! We just wont go there…

#3: When the Grey Squirrel finally went to Impala heaven, my luck with company cars took another turn for the worse. I was once again ‘upgraded’ to a brand new black Chevy HHR. (I really hope that I don’t offend anyone who owns one of these vehicles, I have the annoying tendency to make fun of anything.) If you’ve never seen a HHR; they are really peculiar looking vehicles….almost a small SUV, but not really. Like all of the others, I felt this car should also have an alias. There were a few names that were kicked around – the cockroach, the hearse….but one seemed to stick…Sally Short Bus. My relationship with Sally didn’t last long before I moved onto bigger and better things, but I will always cherish the time that we spent together.

#4: Last but not least, my Chevy Z71 Silverado – a.k.a. “THE BLUE BEAST”. It was so over the top – but it was so much fun to drive. The wise words of John Paul Marcantonio once said – “I’m sure that’s what every driver in Charlotte wants to see….some female in a 2 ton truck barrelling down the interstate putting on mascara, drinking coffee, and talking on the phone.” I guess the Queen City is a safer place….for now!

Ok, so that brings us up to date.

A few weeks ago, we started “car shopping.” When we started visiting dealerships, I was a little indecisive as to what I was looking for. Ok that may be the understatement of the year. I was REALLY indecisive. In addition to my inability to make a decision, Australia makes it extremely difficult to purchase a car when you are not a citizen. Long story short, I finally decided on a car…but I think I may have traumatized John Paul for life. I think it's safe to say that I have a better chance of getting him to paint my fingernails and watch Dirty Dancing than setting foot on a car lot.
Well are you ready to meet my new car? Of course it already has a name....I think it is worthy of its own separate blog entry. Stay tuned!