The Ped-Egg is a hit in Australia!!

How big of an asshole would you feel like if you paid $49.00 for the Ped-Egg? It looks like Australian retailers finally wised up and marked it down by…umm…80%. I guess someone tipped off Aussie consumers that $9.99 was the every day low price at most US drug stores.

It Never Ceases To Amaze Me....

I can only imagine how many very confused stoners they had visit this store. By the way - John Paul and I took advantage of their clearance pot and bought two indoor house plants for our living room.

This is the shit I put up with at work

I guess this is what I get for calling on retirement homes. I have actually seen (several versions of)this poster hanging in numerous bathrooms across Victoria and thought it was absolutely hilarious to deem it necessary to have an instruction manual to poop.

I decided that I needed to document this and actually started bringing my phone into appointments for the sole purpose of checking their bathroom for the poster seen above.

Unfortunately, I now have nightmares about senior citizens going through a mental checklist every time they need to do their business.

By the way...who the hell names a town, Dookie?

Planning Our Trip to Tassie

After a few months of trying to coordinate schedules, John Paul and I finally booked a trip to Tasmania. We wanted to embrace the full tourist experience; so we decided to travel via the “Spirit of Tasmania” cruise ship that ports about a kilometer from our house. Aside from the convenient location, they let you take your car on the boat and we figured we’d be able to cover more Tassie ground with our own wheels.

When deciding on our agenda, John Paul had only one request – to go camping. Hmmm. Camping. Isn’t that adventurous.

This may come as a surprise to some; but I’m not really the avid camper. In fact, I’m probably more inclined to pitch a tent using the desk chairs, night stand, and extra blankets they give you at the Hilton than I am setting up camp at a National Park.

Like most of my reservations, they are not created out of thin air. My hesitation towards camping stems from my 2nd grade Girl Scout troop camp out...everything was great until I had to pee in the middle of the night. Just about the time I was about to crawl out of the tent to pop a squat in the wilderness – I was pretty certain that I heard a wolf howl. At that moment, I realized that I had a life or death decision to make. Get eaten by the rabid carnivore waiting for me outside or pee my pants in the corner of the tent. I think we would all agree that I made the right decision. The fact that we were camped out in our troop leader’s backyard is really inconsequential.

Regardless, the camp out experience from my childhood – combined with the fact that it is WINTER in the Southern Hemisphere – caused me to veto John Paul’s request. That meant that I needed to come up with some REALLY fun activities to take the focus off the fact that I refused to sleep outside. Lucky for me, John Paul is easily distracted by alchohol themed outings and Tasmania is full of wineries, breweries, & distilleries. GREAT SUCCESS!

I’ll follow up later with more details on the trip....

What Recession? This Business is BOOMIN!

Fifi Whaaaa?

How would you like your morning news to be delivered by this lady? She is obviously relatively attractive - but what I find most amusing is that her name is Fifi Box. Yes, her first name is Fifi....and her last name is in fact, Box. I'm just wondering if anyone really pays attention with what is going on with traffic - because all I can think about is her on a stripper pole. It makes sense for someone persuing a career in the media to have a catchy name - but this isn't the direction I would personally recommend. However, I am living in a country where they use the terms:

"IN THE BUSH", "TAKING THE PISS", & "HANGING THE SHIT" are perfectly acceptable.

When in Rome...

Gobble Gobble!

I have had Chuy for about two months now, so I feel like it is due time to give a Nugget Report.

So far, he has been a fun little car and is easy to parallel park. Great success! I am also excited to report that John Paul and I have continued our on-going "Turkey Magnet" practical joke while in Australia. For those of you that don't know the history of the Turkey Magnet - I will try to give you a quick background.

About 8 months ago, I was visiting some hospitals in West Virginia and pulled over at a reststop to use the bathroom. As I was coming out into the "general store" I stumbled upon an entire wall filled with hunting paraphenalia. For whatever reason I was mesmerized by all of the camoflauge and bright orange items. One section of the display had what would describe as vehicle 'flair' which included an assortment of magnets. It was like a lightbulb went off immediately. Although it was difficult decision between the turkey and the redneck man holding a rifle....I decided on the magnetic bird. I literally was holding back laughter in the checkout line because I could already picture my plan. This was going to be the best five dollars I ever spent. To make the purchase even better - the lady at the register said, "Well I'll be...I didn't even know we sold them things." Something tells me that those magnets were a stocking stuffer somewhere in WV.

Anyhow, the next week, I waited until John Paul was in the shower one morning and ran outside to plant the turkey magnet on the passenger side of his car so he wouldn't see it. It remained proudly displayed until the end of the day when he walked out to the parking lot and noticed something on the side panel. Needless to say, this has started a war between the two of us and we never know when the other will strike! John Paul has tried to deface Chuy with the Turkey not long ago(see my documentation above), so now its his turn to get the Gobble!

In other news, I have had some issues with operating Chuy. The other day it started to rain, so I turned on the windshield wipers (or as Aussies call it, wind SCREEN wipers). Some how or another, I turned on the rear wiper and could not figure out how to turn it off. I drove around for about 5 minutes with it squeaking every 10 seconds before I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I finally pulled over to read the stupid instruction manual. Problem solved. During the same trip, I noticed that I somehow changed the setting that once displayed the time to now display the average kilometers I drive per hour. Why do I care anyways...I just want my clock back! I have not had time (no pun intended) to address this problem yet. Literally the same day, I come out from an appointment to find a pile of poop on the hood. Not like a little splash of bird droppings - this was clearly the feces of a small creature. I had hoped that it would fly off during my travels, but I haven't been so lucky. I have stared at it for the past two days every time I am driving.

The icing on the cake happened this afternoon. I was at a trade show all day and was thankful to finally be home. I went upstairs to put up my things and send out a few last emails before going to the gym. When I walked outside I noticed that Chuy was in the middle of the parking lot....like not in a space, but more like in the middle of the common road. Apparently I had forgotted to pull up the parking break. Luckily I had my keys with me so I quickly moved the car to the furthest spot in the public lot and pretended that it never happened.

You've got to watch this video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0SchmcLXMQ

Ummm.....

You Stay Classy, Melbourne

This is a copy of a Billboard that is right outside of our service center for work.

Six days down...Seven to go!

Since I’ve been “home alone” for 6 days now I have defeated two pesky robbers and screamed when using aftershave. Bad joke. …but I am happy to report that my track record of productivity has continued. Here are the highlights of the past week:
1. Spent $230 on new running shoes. I have three words for this: WTF. Next time I am buying Keds.
2. Completely organized every single closet in our house. Do you know that towels, t-shirts, etc. will stay neater (and you’ll be able to fit more) if you roll them? Try it.
3. Washed the sheets with my imported Victoria’s Secret dryer sheets. Yummy!
4. Watched the Royal Tennenbaums, The Usual Suspects, The Green Mile, & Funny Farm back to back.
5. Found out that I LOVE Baklava.
6. Found out that there is a bakery right down the street that makes the BEST Baklava. This could be trouble.
7. Spent ½ a day trying to get a “dressing gown” embroidered. Don’t ask. Actually go ahead and ask…I love telling people this story. It is just not appropriate for a public website.
8. Went on a creepy Facebook girl-date. Good news! She wasn’t creepy and has friend potential. Yeah!
9. Laughed out loud watching Australia’s Funniest Videos.
10. Laughed out loud again watching Borat. When is his Bruno moving coming out anyways?
11. Went to an American Expat meet-up and met a couple from Charlotte. Small world.
12. Spent all day yesterday wishing I had some Baklava.

During the limited ‘down time’ I have when not being productive; I really do miss John Paul. Even some of his quirky tendencies are beginning to become very endearing to me. Here are a few examples:

#1: When he ‘cleans up’ and puts my customer files in very logical places – like under the kitchen sink.
#2. When he puts 3 Nalgene bottles full of water in our uncommonly small refrigerator because the Brita filter just isn’t good enough.
#3. When he asks me if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty.
#4. When he insinuates that I should give him positive reinforcement when he KNOWS when they are clean or dirty.

Here is a scenario that happened recently that I find completely hilarious.
John Paul makes a smoothie in the blender and realizes, “Uh oh, I’ve made too much to fit into a normal glass.”
What do you do?
Option A. – Fill up a normal glass and drink it until there is room to pour in the rest of the smoothie. Or…
Option B. – Find a FLOWER VASE and use that instead so that the entire drink fits.
I think you can probably guess which one John Paul picked. Now he uses it every time he makes a smoothie because it ‘fits perfectly.’

Can you blame me for being completely head over heels for this guy??? :)

At this rate, I will have this place 5S compliant by the time he gets back home. Watch out!

Do The Helen Keller....and Talk With Your Hips!

I don’t pretend to have good taste in music, but there have been some recent tunes to hit the airwaves that require immediate attention…..

Exhibit 1:
Artist: 3oh!3
Song Title: Don’t Trust Me
Favorite Lyrics: “Shush girl, shut your lips…do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips!”
Commentary: Ummm….I’m not really sure whether to be horrified – or laugh out loud. Let’s be honest; what it lacks in political correctness, it makes up for in cleverness. It seems like a line dance just waiting to happen…if it hasn’t already.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDzzT2z-7RE

Exhibit 2:
“Artist”: Soulja Boy
Song Title: Kiss Me Thru The Phone
Favorite Lyrics: All of his words are very profound, so it’s difficult for me to choose. The real question is, can Soulja improve on his equally reflective chart topper, “Tell ‘Em”? The answer is YES.
Commentary: This song really hit a chord with me – especially since I can relate it to my life right now. John Paul is a million miles away and all I want to do is dial his digits and say, “Boo, I can be your Bonnie, you can be my Clyde. Just kiss me thru the phone.” If he doesn’t take the next flight back to Oz, I’ll be very surprised.

Home Alone

THURSDAY, April 23, 2009: John Paul is currently in route to the US for a business trip so I am officially flying solo for the next 10 days. In preparation for this, I’ve been making a mental checklist of all of the tasks I can complete in his absence but have had a hard time compiling anything of substance. My agenda for day 1 consisted of:

- Go buy more wine from Wines Direct
- Post some new blog entries (obviously, since this is being posted on Sunday)
- Send mom a Mothers Day card

I am disappointed to report that non of these initiatives have been completed in full. In fact, I didn’t even start on buying more wine – but I did drink ½ of a bottle. I’ve essentially assumed a bachelor-like existence and have been pretty worthless for the better part of my day. Here is a run down of my afternoon activities.

1. Arrive home at 3:00pm
2. Talk to my mom on Skype for 1 hour
3. Check websites for local events in Melbourne
4. Feel sorry for myself because I don’t have anyone to go with
5. Put on work out clothes, but decide to take a 30 minute “book break”
6. Dose off on the couch
7. Wake up and feel a renewed motivation to proactively meet friends
8. Waste 2 hours Facebook stalking and joining American Expat/Australian groups
9. Set up 3 girl-dates with people I’ve never met before. Kind of creepy, but undoubtedly necessary given I don’t interact with anyone under the age of 75 during my work day.
10. Watch Bondi Vet
11. Decide that I’m hungry and head up left-over, over-priced, Malaysian take out from last night.
12. Contemplate if I should go to the gym. Decide I SHOULD, but pour a big glass of wine instead
13. Begrudgingly send out some work emails as a personal punishment for boozing vs. Body Pump
14. Skype my friend Laura to discuss her upcoming nuptials
15. Discover that you can send voice files via Blackberry Messenger thanks to my friend Megan
16. Watch Beyonce’s awkward interview on Letterman.
17. Go to sleep.

I should really start making lists more often. I actually feel pretty accomplished. Despite my productivity, the place is a total disaster. Dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in my bathtub (this drives John Paul crazy), pillows thrown off the couch. Its kind of my way to celebrate that no one is here to notice.

Getting Cultural

Since moving to Melbourne, John Paul and I have become increasingly interested in the arts. That’s a pretty extreme exaggeration, but you wouldn’t have known it last weekend. On Saturday, Melbourne had the “Art Melbourne” exhibit where different galleries and artists from all over the country could come and sell their work. I found a deal online where I could get two tickets for the price of one – so I forked out $20 bucks for an afternoon of entertainment. What the hell. In all seriousness, we both enjoy and appreciate unique artwork, but aren’t really in the market to drop $7,000 on a sculpture made from driftwood. This apparently was not obvious to the gallery owners because on numerous occasions they approached us to initiate conversation and gauge our interest in various pieces. I probably should have made a PSA before entering the building that stated, “We wouldn’t be here if I didn’t get a BOGO deal so don’t waste your time. Thank you in advance.” One gallery manager even made a point to introduce us to the artist himself – which resulted in a 20 minute explanation of his vision when creating each piece. To give the guy credit, it was really cool to hear how it was created. Up until that moment, it looked to me like he had gotten shit-faced and stumbled upon some finger paint. As we were walking to the next exhibit, John Paul looks at me and said, “Wow, it seems like that guy is really in touch with his artwork; too bad he isn’t in touch with his personal appearance.” I about lost it. This guy did look like a Grade-A Paedophile. His attempt at wearing a trendy / vintage suit really wasn’t working in his favour. However, the icing on the cake was his super creepy moustache. I couldn’t figure out exactly what statement he was trying to make with his random patch of facial hair. To give you more of a visual – he kept the top 50% of the ‘stache (closest to his nose) very short…the lower half he allowed to grow much longer. It was a very interesting look; one that I would not recommend anyone to try. Ever. On Sunday, I got us tickets to Cirque Du Soleil Dralion. I have wanted to see a Cirque Du Soleil show for years and John Paul weaselled his way out of going when we were in Vegas last year. In all honesty; I can see where guys may be a little hesitant committing to these types of performances. All they show in the advertisements and commercials are a bunch of men swinging from ribbons and wearing leotards. Although John Paul needed a little reassurance that this would be very different from Wicked (the musical), he was a great sport. When we arrived at the ‘circus tent’; they require you to walk through the Dralion store so that you can be ‘tempted’ by all of the ridiculous souvenirs. It is absolutely mind boggling to see the barrage of people going nuts over this random paraphernalia. To a certain extend, I understand. I was a kid once – and I distinctly remember pitching a fit over wanting a stuffed dolphin from Sea World or begging for the Micky Mouse flashlight at Disney on Ice. That’s what kids do. What DOES concern me are the people who pay $150 for a Dralion windbreaker to commemorate their experience for years to come. If I see ANY of my friends (male or female) wearing an article of clothing with prepubescent Asian girls in spandex printed on it; we are going to have a serious talk. Do you know what I think is an appropriate souvenir? How about your ticket stub? If you want to get really crazy – buy a program. To get back on track, the show was absolutely amazing and I am seriously in awe of what these people can do. It physically, mathematically, and logically does not make sense. Or as John Paul put it during one of the performances, “These bitches are about to get crazy.” I think that it is safe to say that John Paul will be a little more enthusiastic about the next show that we go to. If you have to opportunity to see Dralion, I would highly recommend it!

The Snuggie is a SCAM!!!

Speaking of Snuggies….I was very excited when I found the official “Snuggie” for $15 bucks at Walgreens and could not wait to surprise John Paul when I got back to Australia. This is one of those “As Seen On TV” products that John Paul and I go nuts over because it is so ridiculous. They market it as “The blanket with sleeves!”……or……….if you aren’t a complete moron…..you can translate that into “A robe worn backwards!” I had to make it as obnoxious as possible, so I dropped it off at the embroidery kiosk at Hanes Mall and let them work their magic. If you can’t tell, that is a teddy bear playing a guitar on the front. However, I really can’t take credit for this idea. Our friend, Ben, purchased a Snuggie as a Valentines Day gift for his girlfriend and said that it was a HUGE hit. I just had to jump on the bandwagon. Although there is no visual documentation, I can assure you that John Paul is really enjoying his Snuggie and uses the free book light every night, too.

https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next

Easter in Oz

With Easter as our first ‘real’ holiday in Australia, John Paul and I were looking forward to a long weekend and creating our own little celebration. To give you the highlights…
Good Friday kicked off our mini vacation and we set out on the town to have a “Melbourne Day.” We were going to hit up some of the museums and other touristy spots that were still on our to-do list. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far because EVERYTHING was closed. Not just the museums – everything. In fact, Good Friday turned up to be the only holiday – other than Christmas – that most businesses close. So random. Luckily, the Blockbuster was open, so we got Season 2 of Arrested Development, opened a couple…well maybe a few bottles of wine…and had a Great Friday. (On a side note – if you have not seen Arrested Development; do yourself a favour and rent a season. Awesome.)
So onto Easter…we got up and I was surprised to see that the Easter Bunny had travelled all the way to Australia. Apparently, he was feeling very spiritual this year and gave me a very nice Easter card – complete with a ‘pop up’ Jesus on the front. He also gave me several very nice gifts including t-shirts with some very poignant messages. Please see the attached pictures.
John Paul must have not been very good because all the Easter Bunny brought him was a Snuggie with a free book light.

Charlotte Fat Camp

As I was looking through the pictures from my trip back to the US; I became distinctly aware that my entire visit was centered around eating. In fact, at least 50% of the pictures taken were of me and my friends at restaurants. Here’s me and (________) eating breakfast at my FAVORITE bagel joint. Here’s me and (________) eating at my FAVORITE café for lunch. Here’s me and (________) having martinis and sushi at my FAVORITE trendy hot spot in Charlotte. This went on for an entire week! The most embarrassing part is that if I was driving somewhere on my own during a “feeding time”; I embraced the opportunity to eat some of my FAVORITE fast food. This is starting to sound like someone’s audition tape for The Biggest Loser. GROSS!! If I was in between meals; I would find an excuse to go to a Starbucks and get the biggest drink they offered. During my entire visit; I never got anything smaller than a Venti drip or a Venti iced coffee (these are NOT available in Oz).
I use to think it was so asinine that my friend Liz would come home from Chicago and insist on going to Chick-Fil-A and Bojangles. I would bitch non stop about how lard was the main ingredient in ½ of their menu items and was sure that no one over the age of six still ate stupid Bo-Berry Biscuits. Well, lightning strike me now because I am guilty of the same crime. Seriously though, the whole concept is pretty ridiculous. Its not like I’m going to come home in two years to find that Chick-Fil-A’s have evaporated from planet Earth. Furthermore, is not like I’ve been surviving off of insects and plant roots in the Outback for the past three months. Is it really necessary to take a Culinary Tour of Charlotte with the same enthusiasm that Octo-Mom has for IVF??? Bad analogy….
I’m going to the gym.

So with Easter just a couple days away, I was hippity hopping down memory lane thinking about some of my favourite Easter traditions of the past. Most of my memories consist of Easter baskets, chocolate bunnies, and dying Easter Eggs. Speaking of dying...did I mention that I accidentally killed a duckling when I was 3 years old? It was a tradition for my dad to get me a chick or a baby duck every year and then we would drop it off at Lake Norman when it got too big for a cardboard box or we got tired of cleaning duck shit out of the bathtub. I have always loved animals...apparently I just loved Quackers a little too much. (For the record, that was really his name.) See the attached picture. This was taken only moments before the homicide. Apparently following the casualty; a rumor of a mass genocide spread among the poultry community. Look at how the family of ducks react in my presence in the following picture. You can almost hear the momma duck screaming "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

On that note, I hope you all have a very Happy Easter! John Paul and I will miss being at home with our friends and family.

Aussie Ladette to Lady

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z30YOGTmcjs

Here's a clip of my favorite reality show, Ladette to Lady. These girls are serious trainwrecks - but everyone knows that's a required ingredient for any reality show. Truthfully, I watch it more to see the Head Mistresses, Jill and Rosemaaaary (cue Aussie accent), go absolutely ballastic on each and every individual hot mess on the show. Although the network is smart enough not to show Jill's grill on the print ads - homegirl is in SERIOUS need of some braces...and Rosemary....well she's just terrifying.

Airport Fun

If you like people watching – or if your just easily amused; the airport is an ideal hang out. During my most recent trip from Melbourne to Sydney, I was in the security line behind a grown man that had on loafers, cut off jean shorts (a no-no for men of all ages), and a floral button down. To top it all off he had ½ a head of mangy hair that had grown past his shoulders, but started at the crown of his shiny dome. I am not very discrete, so I tried to take a quick picture on my phone. It turned out really blurry, but maybe you can still get the idea. I am still brainstorming over the best way to get a close up of any picture-worthy travellers without blatantly letting them know that I am making fun of them. Let me know if you have any ideas.
In addition to people within the airport, I’ve started paying more attention to my fellow passengers on the plane - usually because the person(s) of interest are sitting right next to me and I don’t have a choice. I am admittedly an un-social flyer. I always come equipped with reading material and my iPod fully charged. Although these necessities are partially due to my inability to sit and do nothing; their primary purpose is to eliminate the temptation for my neighbour to strike up a conversation. If you can’t nip it in the bud after the first friendly head-nod; you are setting yourself up for a full flight commitment of small talk. No thanks.
According to my most recent statistics; your chances for spotting a total freak-show nearly triple when flying from LA to the East Coast; or vice-versa. It’s no secret that Los Angeles is a hub for crazies and considering the planes are always huge and typically at full capacity, it’s not unlikely to see someone who looks like they’ve come strait from the loony bin, a 5 day bender, a sex change, or one of Octo Mom’s 14 children.
With that in mind, here is a recap from my most recent trip to the US: Since I booked my flight at the last minute, I really couldn’t be too particular about my seating arrangements. I had made it through the 15 hour leg from Australia to LA and was getting ready to embark on the 4 ½ hour leg to the East Coast. When I boarded the plane I celebrated a small victory when I discovered that I had scored an exit row. Things were looking up until I noticed two burly women side-stepping down the aisle and headed in my direction. This is when I silently start chanting “Keep walking! Keep walking!” No such luck; they both squeezed into their seats to my left. It took about 10 seconds for me to confirm that these ladies were more than “just friends.” I really am not concerned with other people’s sexual preferences – but I don’t want to be categorized as a lesbian either. I gave myself a quick “once-over” and made the sad realization that I looked kind of butch. I admit, my ‘flying uniform’ could probably be described as ‘welfare chic’…but when you are stuck on a plane for 25 hours, you aren’t too concerned with winning the Best Dressed superlative. I just didn’t want anyone thinking that I was WITH them….you know….WITH them. The good news is that if anyone did get that impression, I was clearly the third wheel and the dynamic duo sitting to my left seemed to not even notice my existence. By the time I got back from the bathroom they had their tray tables out sharing a full sized bag of BBQ potato chips, a gallon sized ziplock bag full of what appeared to be Halloween candy, and washing it down with 20oz bottles of Coke. Talk about a balanced meal! Apparently all of the saturated fat they ingested made them sleepy because shortly after their feast; the love birds curled up under one blanket and passed out. About five minutes later the larger one started to saw logs like a man. Thank goodness for my iPod…I only had 3 ½ more hours to go.