Holy Preservatives!

John Paul and I have discovered a hidden gem amongst the Australian landscape – a specialty grocery store called none other than USA FOODS!!! We had heard urban legends regarding this telltale establishment but didn’t truly believe it until we saw it with our own eyes.

Upon entering USA Foods; you get an instant buzz from the familiar boxes of Jiffy Corn Bread and shiny cans of Dr. Pepper. My trained eye quickly zeroed in on the Crystal Light canisters neatly lined up like little soldiers and I had the instant urge to sprint down the aisle like a Shop Til You Drop contestant. Before I could do a clean sweep of their inventory; I was distracted by a disturbingly large number looming underneath the beautiful towers of Raspberry Lemonade dust. $12.95 FOR A CONTAINER OF CRYSTAL?!?

I understand that these items are going to come at a premium – but that’s highway robbery! Little did I know that my dreams would once again be shattered within minutes…
Most people know that my personal obsessions are ranked as follows:

1. Crystal Light
2. Rod Stewart
3. Cereal
4. Joel McHale

With that being documented; I was ecstatic to discover they sold the full range of Capt’n Crunch cereal – including my favourite (WITH Crunch Berries). HOL - LER! What did not excite me was the $14.99 price tag. Seriously?! I hope the store owners cant sleep at night knowing that they are marking up their products 300% from MSRP. Once again; I just couldn’t bring myself to make the purchase.

Despite my manic behaviour, John Paul contained himself pretty well through the whole experience. He tends to have a “selective conversion rate” and somehow justified paying $10 for a jar of JIF peanut butter. He also snuck in 2 packs of $4 Big Red gum. In fact, the only thing he did get hot and bothered over was that some guy bought the last can of Manwich.

The whole shopping event was kind of a blur – all I knew was that we were $150 poorer. When we got home; I suggested that we account for all of our purchases and discovered that we essentially acquired a random mix of junk food. Real Tortilla Chips, Grape Jelly, Mrs. Butterworth Syrup, Bisquick, Snack Sized 3 Musketeers, and Pop Tarts. Yes, Pop Tarts. This is one of the foods that I had sworn off for life. I don’t trust any pastry that has a shelf life longer than a presidential term. Nevertheless, I rationalized buying – not 1 – but TWO boxes because I couldn’t decided on brown sugar or strawberry. I should be punished!

We Have a US Phone Number....in Australia!

Woo Hoo! Good news from Oz. Even you slackers who have not joined Skype can now contact John Paul and I for free. I've registered a US based online phone number - complete with voicemail. You can call from a landline or cell phone - but I'm assuming that most cell phones have nationwide free calls, so that would probably be your best bet. Look forward to speaking with you all soon! 704-498-4033

You Gotta Love Meat Flavored Chips

Why fuss with preparing an actual piece of meat when you can get the same flavor out of potato chips?! I'm sure John Paul will be thrilled this Thanksgiving when there is a bowl of Honey Baked Ham chips sitting on the table.

Our Trip to Tassie - LAST ONE!!!

After checking out the Blowhole in Eaglehawk Neck; we headed North towards Launceston; our last destination before departing Tasmania. We decided it would be good to end our vacation on a good note – so our first stop in Launceston was James Boag’s Brewery. We took a tour of the plant and tasted all of their different beers – Delish! After we were full of beer – we headed to Cataract Gorge – home of the single longest chairlift in the WORLD!!!!! Knowing this statistic, who wouldn’t feel compelled to experience this record breaking chairlift?! The gorge itself was actually pretty amazing – the chairlift – not so much. We ended up taking another hike around the area and (of course) had to stage a few “Ahhh! I’m falling!” pictures.
At this point – we were on the verge of exploding if we had any more fun in Tassie, so we drove back to port and boarded our mother-ship that would take us back to Melbourne.

Our Trip to Tassie - Part 5

Monday: Lucky for John Paul and I; we made it through the night at the Lufra Hotel and woke up early (to get the hell out of there) and to see some of the ‘views’ everyone was talking about. There were several scenic lookouts that were really pretty and had creative names that amused us (it doesn’t take much). Additionally – we had our first WALLABY sighting!

Our Trip to Tassie - Part 4

We figured that we had probably seen enough of Port Arthur and made our way to our hotel in Eaglehawk Neck (yes, that’s actually the town name) about thirty minutes North of Port Arthur. As one could imagine – a town with the name “Eaglehawk Neck” doesn’t necessarily have a large selection of accommodation to choose from so after doing some research online, I found a hotel called ‘The Lufra’ that was right on the water. It was part of the Best Western chain – which for Australian standards (and especially Tasmanian standards) is pretty good. They had a scenic picture on the website and included a testimonial from a tourism entrepreneur (pasted below). I was sold.

The Lufra Hotel, situated at Eaglehawk Neck, provides relaxed affordable accommodation close to Port Arthur and natural attractions. Australian aviation pioneer and tourism entrepreneur Sir Reginald Ansett is reputed to have described the Lufra Hotel as 'the hotel with the best view in the world.' No wonder there has been an accommodation house on the same site for more than 150 years. Nor was it a surprise when Sir Reg decided that he would make that view available to the growing number of tourists visiting Australia’s island state. He built the present hotel in 1948.

Now after actually STAYING there – I can look at these descriptions with a more critical eye. I now notice that no one actually mentions the hotel, only the views FROM the hotel – for obvious reasons. This place was a dump. Sadly, this is actually considered 4-Star. Yikes! I will never – ever – stay anywhere that does not show pictures of the actual hotel ever again.

Our Trip to Tassie - Part 3

After we stocked up on hard liquor, we hit the road again to reach our next destination - Port Arthur. For those of you that are not as learned as myself in the subject of Tasmanian history –

Port Arthur is a small town and former convict settlement on the Tasman Peninsula. Port Arthur is one of Australia's most significant heritage areas and is officially Tasmania's top tourist attraction. (Umm..seriously?) Known for its harsh conditions, dark history and stark beauty, it is located approximately 60 km south east of Hobart. In 1996 it was the scene of the worst mass murder event in post-colonial Australian history.

Thank you Wikapedia.

Anyhow, upon arrival, the ticket counter attempted to sell us on the “Gold Tour”; which was a FIVE DAY guided experience. We took one look at the littering of dilapidated buildings sporadically placed across the lawn (aka the ‘historic site’) and opted for the afternoon self guided tour for twenty bucks. Although I could imagine some of the buildings being pretty impressive at some point - most of them only had remnants of the original structure remaining. They did have a few ‘model’ homes set up that were intended to replicate the décor of its actual owners; including one with a rocking chair and a fake cat curled up on its cushion. John Paul had the bright idea for me to step over the rope barricade and sit in the chair with the cat on my lap so that he could take a picture. Unfortunately the cat was super glued to the cushion….but that wasn’t the worst of it. When I stepped over the rope into the restricted area, it set off an alarm that caused a siren to start screaming from the building. We quickly aborted the mission and exited the building immediately.

We decided that it would probably be in our best intrests to hide out inside of the museum after the cat and rocking chair debacle. The museum itself was mildly interesting - but we found it to be very entertaining to pose with all of the life size cut-outs of the convicts.

Our Trip to Tassie - Part 2

Next on the agenda was to make the 3 hour drive to the capital city of Hobart. Little did we know that most of that drive would be on a dirt road. There were literally stretches of 20 minutes where we passed NO ONE except for fields full of sheep.

When we finally arrived in the metropolis of Hobart and are all of a block away from our hotel – John Paul decides to run a red light. Not on purpose….but just one of those brainfart moments where you just roll through a blatantly red stoplight. Maybe he had inhaled too much dust from the dirt roads. This wouldn’t have been such a big deal if the one cop on duty (probably in the entire state of Tasmania) was right behind us. Fifteen minutes and a $200 ticket later, we were checked into our hotel that was called “The Old Woolstore.” This was very appropriate given that we had seen probably ten thousand sheep that day just waiting to be converted into UGG boots. Despite the odd name – the hotel was decent and we ate at a great restraint called “The Ball & Chain.”

Sunday: We spend the morning putzing around the city and waiting for the Lark Distillery to open up. At 11am we decided it was early enough to start drinking whisky. I’m not much of a whisky drinker; but it was still impressive to learn about how it was made. John Paul, on the other hand - does like whiskey – so we bellied up to the bar for some “tastings.” We did our duty as patrons and each bought a bottle as a ‘souvenir’. A gift that keeps on giving – if you will.

Our Trip to Tassie - Part 1

Ok, so as I mentioned before - John Paul and I finally made it to Tasmania. Overall, it was quite an experience - so to make each entry more manageable; I am going to break it up by giving you highlights of selected events.

To give everyone the full effect of our experience; you need to understand that Tasmania is like the West Virginia of Australia…full of beautiful, untouched landscapes, sheep, and inbred people.

Now that we are all on the same page – here is the synopsis:

Saturday Morning: Arrive in Tasmania and drive to Cradle Mountain National Park. At the welcome center, the ranger makes a couple recommendations for ½ day hikes. Done! We park the car and embark on our outdoor journey. Early on into our ascend; we pass some other hikers who are decked out in some pretty serious climbing gear. We think little of it and keep trudging along. About two hours later we realize why our old, mesh, tennis shoes with nearly smooth soles were probably not the best choice for this type of activity.
Aside from the fact that certain areas were pretty steep; there were also parts were slippery – and muddy. (See exhibit A)
Regardless of being unsuitably outfitted, the hike was awesome and the views were spectacular.

Straiteners in Bathrooms???

Ok, so this picture REALLY doesn't do the situation at hand justice; so I will do my best to explain. A couple months ago I went out to a bar called the Precinct in Richmond with some girls. We go into the bathroom (toilet) and I discover that for a small fee of $2, you can use a community flat iron to touch up your hair inbetween glasses of wine. It operates very similar to the vaccuum that is available at gas stations. You dump in your money and the machine comes to life. I think they should give you the option to pay an extra fifty cents to have it disinfected before its used.

Beach Street at Dusk

Ok...so crappy picture quality, but you get the idea. Our view of the city & of the water at night. Life is good!

Victoria Via Camera Phone

I've been doing some country trips lately for work and visiting my accounts outside of Metro Melbourne. Actually, if I was being really authentic; I would say I've been "in the bush"; but we all know how I feel about that phrase.

Anyhow, its actually been a really neat way to see different areas of the state. Once you get into the outer regions there are beautiful rolling hills, thousands of sheep, and wineries about every 10 kilometers. It literally takes every shred of self control that runs through my DNA not to stop in for a quick tasting. Ok, so maybe I tried, but they aren't open at 7:30am. Just kidding....or am I???

I'll Take One of EVERYTHING!

This is a store that I passed in Fitzroy, Victoria. I'm pretty sure you can't get anything they sell in the States; so if anyone wants me to pick them up a few things, just let me know.

The Ped-Egg is a hit in Australia!!

How big of an asshole would you feel like if you paid $49.00 for the Ped-Egg? It looks like Australian retailers finally wised up and marked it down by…umm…80%. I guess someone tipped off Aussie consumers that $9.99 was the every day low price at most US drug stores.

It Never Ceases To Amaze Me....

I can only imagine how many very confused stoners they had visit this store. By the way - John Paul and I took advantage of their clearance pot and bought two indoor house plants for our living room.

Drugs Can Ruin Your LIFE!!!!

If you’re like me, you’ve always toyed with the idea of developing an illegal drug habit. Ok that’s a lie….but in the event that I was ever considering turning our 2nd bedroom into a meth lab; just show me the attached photos to snap me back to reality.

I’m learning fairly quickly that Australians are pretty visual people – and they don’t shy away from using scare tactics when developing their ad campaigns. (i.e. Workplace safety videos. Yikes!)

Sadly, it’s probably a necessary gesture to have these ads plastered all over the city given Aussie’s love affair with ‘house music’. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Melbourne has ‘rave parties’ on a regular basis where popular DJs from around the country are brought in to “mix some sweet beats.” It never fails that the day after an all-night swaray; the media has a field day reporting the number of near death experiences caused by seventeen year old kids ODing on GHB, ecstasy, and whatever else they can get their grubby little hands on.

What ever happened to hanging out at the movie theatre? I had a hard enough time convincing my mom to let me stay out until midnight in high school. I can only imagine her reaction if I asked her permission to go to an all night rave party.

I can hear it now…”Sure Brooke, don’t forget your glow sticks and here’s $50 bucks for the ‘good pills.’ You know if you eat that bunk ecstasy, your internal organs will burn from the inside out. Have fun! Love you!”

I may be completely off base; but I could have sworn that house music and glow sticks hit their prime in the very early years of the 21st century. In my personal opinion – the rave music genre was never intended to be sustainable and belongs in the “fad” archives. No one ever bought Paul Oakenfold’s CD and thought, “This is going to be a classic…I can’t wait for him to release a Greatest Hits album!”

For the record, I am not a complete novice when it comes to raves. In 1999 I was tricked into going to a club called ‘The Grove’ when I was a freshman at Florida State. Although I have filed this experience in my brain’s “recycle bin”; there are parts of the night that are permanently etched into my long term memory. First of all, it was eerily dark inside – except for when you got to the dance floor and there were numerous strobe lights burning into your retinas. At the time, I considered this to be a bonus considering I was planning on using my fake ID to order a stiff Midouri Sour. I figured the epileptic lights would make me look almost identical to the Asian woman that was on my pilfered Florida drivers license. Second of all, I remember thinking that the glow stick / dance routine combo performed by the whacked out ravers looked similar to how I would react after walking into a live hornets nest in the dark. Regardless of the free entertainment; my amusement for the rave scene faded in about 30 minutes and I made the personal decision to stick to rap music and binge drinking.

What can I say…..I think the results speak for themselves. I can drink a bottle of wine and listen to Outkast without worrying about ending up in the ED. Maybe these Aussie Adolescents should take a hint from their wise, American role model.

This is the shit I put up with at work

I guess this is what I get for calling on retirement homes. I have actually seen (several versions of)this poster hanging in numerous bathrooms across Victoria and thought it was absolutely hilarious to deem it necessary to have an instruction manual to poop.

I decided that I needed to document this and actually started bringing my phone into appointments for the sole purpose of checking their bathroom for the poster seen above.

Unfortunately, I now have nightmares about senior citizens going through a mental checklist every time they need to do their business.

By the way...who the hell names a town, Dookie?

Victoria via Camera Phone....

Some areas effected by the bush fires. I know the picture quality isn't great, but you can see where the ground is still burnt, but still surrounded by greenery. A lot of these towns have "fire warnings" posted to let people driving through know the risk of bush fires in the area.

Planning Our Trip to Tassie

After a few months of trying to coordinate schedules, John Paul and I finally booked a trip to Tasmania. We wanted to embrace the full tourist experience; so we decided to travel via the “Spirit of Tasmania” cruise ship that ports about a kilometer from our house. Aside from the convenient location, they let you take your car on the boat and we figured we’d be able to cover more Tassie ground with our own wheels.

When deciding on our agenda, John Paul had only one request – to go camping. Hmmm. Camping. Isn’t that adventurous.

This may come as a surprise to some; but I’m not really the avid camper. In fact, I’m probably more inclined to pitch a tent using the desk chairs, night stand, and extra blankets they give you at the Hilton than I am setting up camp at a National Park.

Like most of my reservations, they are not created out of thin air. My hesitation towards camping stems from my 2nd grade Girl Scout troop camp out...everything was great until I had to pee in the middle of the night. Just about the time I was about to crawl out of the tent to pop a squat in the wilderness – I was pretty certain that I heard a wolf howl. At that moment, I realized that I had a life or death decision to make. Get eaten by the rabid carnivore waiting for me outside or pee my pants in the corner of the tent. I think we would all agree that I made the right decision. The fact that we were camped out in our troop leader’s backyard is really inconsequential.

Regardless, the camp out experience from my childhood – combined with the fact that it is WINTER in the Southern Hemisphere – caused me to veto John Paul’s request. That meant that I needed to come up with some REALLY fun activities to take the focus off the fact that I refused to sleep outside. Lucky for me, John Paul is easily distracted by alchohol themed outings and Tasmania is full of wineries, breweries, & distilleries. GREAT SUCCESS!

I’ll follow up later with more details on the trip....

My Birthday Present!

Check out my new ride! It is a super pimp Old Skool Schwinn called "coffee". They also have a version called "cream" and I suggested that John Paul could get that one so we could be "Coffee & Cream." Apparently that is "really gay." Regardless, I LOOOOOOVE my new bike and was so happy to find a cruiser with a few speeds so I can TRY to keep up with John Paul. I bought a basket for the back for when we go to the market and a sweet purple helmet. Of course when I was picking out the helmet, I warned the sales associate that I had an enormous dome. At first, he tried to be polite and was like, "oh no...I'm sure you don't." (Picture John Paul shaking his head vigorously during this.) When he finished 'fitting' my head, he was like "Wow, it is big!" I felt like saying, "Well I told you, dip shit"...but I just smiled as he went to the backroom to pull my helmet from the "FREAKISHLY BIG HEAD" section.

What Recession? This Business is BOOMIN!

Fifi Whaaaa?

How would you like your morning news to be delivered by this lady? She is obviously relatively attractive - but what I find most amusing is that her name is Fifi Box. Yes, her first name is Fifi....and her last name is in fact, Box. I'm just wondering if anyone really pays attention with what is going on with traffic - because all I can think about is her on a stripper pole. It makes sense for someone persuing a career in the media to have a catchy name - but this isn't the direction I would personally recommend. However, I am living in a country where they use the terms:

"IN THE BUSH", "TAKING THE PISS", & "HANGING THE SHIT" are perfectly acceptable.

When in Rome...

Gobble Gobble!

I have had Chuy for about two months now, so I feel like it is due time to give a Nugget Report.

So far, he has been a fun little car and is easy to parallel park. Great success! I am also excited to report that John Paul and I have continued our on-going "Turkey Magnet" practical joke while in Australia. For those of you that don't know the history of the Turkey Magnet - I will try to give you a quick background.

About 8 months ago, I was visiting some hospitals in West Virginia and pulled over at a reststop to use the bathroom. As I was coming out into the "general store" I stumbled upon an entire wall filled with hunting paraphenalia. For whatever reason I was mesmerized by all of the camoflauge and bright orange items. One section of the display had what would describe as vehicle 'flair' which included an assortment of magnets. It was like a lightbulb went off immediately. Although it was difficult decision between the turkey and the redneck man holding a rifle....I decided on the magnetic bird. I literally was holding back laughter in the checkout line because I could already picture my plan. This was going to be the best five dollars I ever spent. To make the purchase even better - the lady at the register said, "Well I'll be...I didn't even know we sold them things." Something tells me that those magnets were a stocking stuffer somewhere in WV.

Anyhow, the next week, I waited until John Paul was in the shower one morning and ran outside to plant the turkey magnet on the passenger side of his car so he wouldn't see it. It remained proudly displayed until the end of the day when he walked out to the parking lot and noticed something on the side panel. Needless to say, this has started a war between the two of us and we never know when the other will strike! John Paul has tried to deface Chuy with the Turkey not long ago(see my documentation above), so now its his turn to get the Gobble!

In other news, I have had some issues with operating Chuy. The other day it started to rain, so I turned on the windshield wipers (or as Aussies call it, wind SCREEN wipers). Some how or another, I turned on the rear wiper and could not figure out how to turn it off. I drove around for about 5 minutes with it squeaking every 10 seconds before I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I finally pulled over to read the stupid instruction manual. Problem solved. During the same trip, I noticed that I somehow changed the setting that once displayed the time to now display the average kilometers I drive per hour. Why do I care anyways...I just want my clock back! I have not had time (no pun intended) to address this problem yet. Literally the same day, I come out from an appointment to find a pile of poop on the hood. Not like a little splash of bird droppings - this was clearly the feces of a small creature. I had hoped that it would fly off during my travels, but I haven't been so lucky. I have stared at it for the past two days every time I am driving.

The icing on the cake happened this afternoon. I was at a trade show all day and was thankful to finally be home. I went upstairs to put up my things and send out a few last emails before going to the gym. When I walked outside I noticed that Chuy was in the middle of the parking lot....like not in a space, but more like in the middle of the common road. Apparently I had forgotted to pull up the parking break. Luckily I had my keys with me so I quickly moved the car to the furthest spot in the public lot and pretended that it never happened.